Absurd!: Active Listening Doesn’t Work

Here’s what does work

I’m continuing my series on an in-depth look at a wonderful little book that’s twenty years old this year. The title is Management of the Absurd by Richard Farson. You may want to consider dropping back and reading the previous blogs about ABSURD! I think it will put each new one in great context.

Listening is More Difficult than Talking

I’ve never liked the concept of “Active Listening.” It seemed to me that people who were taught the technique simply repeated what they heard so that the speaker knew they had been understood. However, when you repeat back what you heard you sound like a parrot and aren’t really explaining how or what you heard based on what the speaker was trying to express.

One of Farson’s statements in this chapter really hit a cord with me: “Carl Rogers and I introduced the phrase “active listening” in 1955. I would not write such a piece today. The main reason is that I no longer believe that genuine listening should be reduced to a technique.” (Emphasis is mine)

I’ve always asked my clients (and myself): Are you listening with the intent to respond or are you listening with the intent to understand? If we’ll admit it, most of us listen with the intent to respond. I know I’m doing this most of the time. While the other person is speaking I’m creating my checklist:

• I agree with that, I’ll reinforce it.
• I don’t agree with that and here’s how I’ll counter it.
• I can think of at least three points they haven’t even considered yet that I’ll point out as soon as they take a breath.
• etc.

Rather than truly listening in an attempt to understand what the other person is trying to deeply express, we’re getting ready to either reinforce or counter in our own words, knowing that as soon as the other person hears our point of view, they’ll understand and agree with us.

Author Farson quickly counters that belief with “Research tells us that people are more likely to change when we reverse the flow of communication, that is, when people are not talked at but when they themselves have a chance to talk.” People are more likely to change when they have a chance to talk! Wow, there’s a paradigm shift for most of us. We don’t really convince other people, they convince themselves when we help them talk through the issue by listening and asking questions that demonstrate that we’re trying to understand!

Farson also points out that “Good listening is inordinately difficult, even for experienced listeners.” Listening takes a lot of energy. I don’t have the energy to stay in that mode all of the time, but when I do shift into my “listening to understand” mode it’s amazing how much people respond to that experience. I often spend several hours talking/listening one-on-one with my clients. If I’ve been in the right listening mode, many of them have said to me “You now know more about me than anyone.” That statement in itself is absurd but it’s amazing how different people feel when you actually listen to them.

While Farson makes many great points in this chapter, I want to close this blog on one particular thought that he put forth, “Listening to others means having to be alert to one’s own defensiveness, to one’s impulse to want to change others. That requires a level of self-awareness, even self-criticism that is often not easy to endure.” Listening requires humility. When we really listen we have to question our own understand and perspective on an issue. We may even begin to change our own mind. So while research says that people change when you give them a chance to talk, be aware that you yourself may change by being a better listener. Win-win.