I recently suffered a minor heart attack during a weekend golf outing with my buddies. On my first day home my wife, daughter and I were taking an evening walk in the woods. My daughter asked me what I was feeling. Notice she didn’t ask “how” I was feeling. [future blog post?] The word that came out of my mouth was “angry”. That surprised me. I wasn’t necessarily feeling angry but when she asked what I was feeling the honest answer was angry.
It immediately reminded me of the sequence that Elisabeth Kübler-Ross taught us years ago about five stages of grief. I’ve used this sequence many times with my clients to help them understand that the stages are very natural and will happen every time we receive impactful feedback. The stages are:
- Denial/Shock
- Anger/Emotion
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
So if I was experiencing the anger stage, that means I must have gone through the Denial/Shock stage. As I thought back it became very clear to me that as I was standing over a six foot putt for birdie on the 18th hole and experiencing chest pain I was going through the denial stage.
Image Source: RedTail Panther, Creative Commons
“I’m sure I’m just winded from the long walk up to the elevated green.”
“Actually it’s pretty hot out here, I’m probably just overheated.”
“As soon as we finish I’ll be able to get a cool drink, sit down for a while and it will all go away.”
All complete denial thoughts. I left my birdie putt a few inches short. Of course I later blamed that on my heart attack. All a natural part of the anger/emotion stage.
What’s interesting to me is that knowing the stages of grief instantly makes them easier to deal with and work through. I know that I’m yet to face the bargaining, depression and acceptance stages but it’s critically important that I eventually get to the acceptance stage because only then will I be able to take appropriate actions. The sooner I can work through the stages in a healthy way the sooner I can take actions toward a better future.
As a leader, you and your team are constantly dealing with feedback about performance both good and bad. Your job is to help your team and yourself get to the stage of positive, productive action after receiving the feedback. Knowing the stages of grief and what we will be feeling during each stage is the best way to move through the stages quickly and constructively. If you or your team reaches a point of arrested development, stuck in a particular stage, you’ll never get to the action step that comes after acceptance.
Good leaders know the stages and help their teams get to acceptance quickly. People never remember what the feedback was; they will always remember how you reacted to it.
What stage is the hardest for you or your team to get through?
What have you learned that helps you through your most difficult stage?
2 comments
[…] In an earlier post about the stages of grief, it was interesting that the question that triggered my reflection was posed by my daughter when she asked me “What are you feeling?” Notice that she didn’t ask me how I was feeling. When we are asked how are we feeling it triggers some of our natural inhibitors (or not) that can get in the way of dealing with the situation. […]
[…] In an earlier post about the stages of grief, it was interesting that the question that triggered my reflection was posed by my daughter when she asked me “What are you feeling?” Notice that she didn’t ask me how I was feeling. When we are asked how are we feeling it triggers some of our natural inhibitors (or not) that can get in the way of dealing with the situation. […]