Photo credit: Mindaugas Danys, Creative Commons
In an earlier post about the stages of grief, it was interesting that the question that triggered my reflection was posed by my daughter when she asked me “What are you feeling?” Notice that she didn’t ask me how I was feeling. When we are asked how are we feeling it triggers some of our natural inhibitors (or not) that can get in the way of dealing with the situation.
“How are you feeling?” If you’re feeling angry you may be embarrassed about your feelings or believe that if you express your anger is won’t be constructive for the situation. Or you may not want to express your anger toward an individual so you hold yourself back. Or, if your natural inhibitors don’t kick in, you may burst into a rant or rage expressing your anger that you may also later regret or make it difficult to move on to the next stages of the grief process.
Maybe you’re feeling pride at the moment someone asks “How are you feeling.” Again, if our natural inhibitors kick in we may not want to express our pride at the risk of sounding boastful which in the end can leave us feeling a bit under-appreciated or wishing we could have celebrated a great victory a bit more. Or if the inhibitors don’t kick in, we may go on and on about what a great feat it was, how excited we are for being so smart or good and as we go into that funky victory dance and leave other people taking side glances between each other wondering when this guy is going to get over himself. “How are you feeling?” can make it difficult for us to deal with some very natural emotions.
“What are you feeling?” When my daughter asked me this question it actually forced me to stop and reflect about an emotion that was unexpressed at the moment. When I was able to answer her question it simply came out as one word, “anger” that really didn’t carry any emotion with it. It was an honest statement of a very valid emotion.
As a leader it’s important that you know and that your team is able to express the various stages of emotion that they’re experiencing. When you ask the question “What are you feeling?” it allows people to get the issue on the table, legitimize the emotion, work through to the next stage and as efficiently as possible get to the action steps that will prove the most productive in the long run.
What are you feeling right now? Share some reactions with us.