Tag:

Empathy

Leading Change

by Ron Potter March 9, 2023

The basis for this blog is a Harvard Business Review article by Patti Sanchez titled “The Secret to Leading Organizational Change is Empathy.”

I’ve had several experiences in my consulting career and personal life that emphasize the importance of empathy. One of them was a personal experience.

The Association

We moved into a new city several years ago to be closer to one daughter and her family. This particular family lived in the Middle East for at least ten years and we wanted to spend more time getting to know our grandkids before they went off to college. After looking at several possible locations we settled on a small community of condos within a couple of miles of our daughter’s house.

After a few years, I was asked to be the association president. The president before me had been in that position for several years and it seemed to him he was constantly dealing with conflict. When I agreed to run and won the presidential position, his words to me were something like, “Good Luck. This is a rough crowd.” He felt like there were competing desires within the homeowners and there was no way to reconcile them.

There were only sixteen homeowners in the association, so the first thing I decided to do was get to meet and listen to the needs of each of them. I had no agenda and no particular goal. I just wanted to listen and show empathy.

I visited each of the sixteen families and just listened. No goal. No timeframe. No rush. Each family invited me in and talked with me about their situation and desires. I made no attempt to correct or guide them, I just wanted to hear them. I left each visit with no promises made. I had just listened.

There were a couple of difficult issues that the association faced. After those visits, I formulated my plans (with the executive team) and let the residents know what I was going to recommend for a vote at our annual meeting a few weeks later. They had been controversial issues for a few years and I wondered how the discussion and vote would go. There wasn’t much discussion, so we put the issues to vote. All the issues were passed by unanimous votes. People felt they had been listened to. In fact even now, several years later, one of the residents who had been the most controversial and vocal calls me “the best president they ever had.” Why? Because I listened to her with empathy.

Who’s the Boss?

Another issue I remember is related to my consulting career. The CEO resided in the US but they had major operations in Europe and SE Asia. The European leader for the company was Irish and resided in Ireland. He was an authoritarian leader. People did what he told them to do or else. After our team meeting about leading with empathy, I was hoping he would change. Unfortunately, not.

When I began to talk with him about being a leader, I asked him to describe what a leader was like. He proceeded to tell me about the British ruling Ireland. The Anglo-Norman invasion of Ireland by English kings happened in the last 1100s. His view of being a strong leader went back nearly a thousand years. But to him, a great, strong leader was based on England ruling Ireland. He wasn’t about to shake that image that a ruler was someone who came in and subjugated people to do what they were told when they were told.

Experience

Question your own thoughts and motives. What has your experience taught you? Who empowers you as an employee, that controlling boss who keeps you under his thumb or the empathetic boss who makes you feel like you’re a part of what’s going on?

Most often people think of an empathic leader as weak and a controlling leader as strong. That’s not true. A great empathic leader is one who helps you grow, develop, listen, and help your team make decisions. A controlling leader is one who makes all the decisions and expects you to respond. My observation over the years is that good people will leave a boss like that as quickly as possible. The people who stay under those conditions are sometimes referred to as “yes men” and all the creativity leaves the organization. Believe me, now and in the coming years creativity will become more and more required. Without it, companies will die quickly.

Fortune 500

Only sixty companies remain that were in the Fortune 500 after WWII. Why is that? One of my beliefs is that after WWII, most of the companies on the list were being run by officers from the war. They knew how to “command.” They expected their commands to be carried out without question. Companies were generally not creative. In order to survive the coming years, companies (leaders) will be required to be creative.

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Short Book Reviews

Against Empathy

by Ron Potter September 1, 2017

Ron’s Short Review: Is compassion better than empathy? Bloom seems to think so and makes a really good case. Empathy will get you into trouble as much as it helps.

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Blog Trust Me

Characteristics of a “You-First” Leader

by Ron Potter March 14, 2016

One way to find out whether a leader has a “you-first” perspective is to ask, “Do others grow as individuals under this person’s leadership?” While benefiting from this leader’s compassion, do others become healthier, wiser, freer, more autonomous, and more likely themselves to develop a “you-first” attitude?

The following qualities define a leader who is committed to being last rather than first:

1. Commitment to the growth of people

In their book The Leadership Challenge, James Kouzes and Barry Posner write, “Any leadership practice that increases another’s sense of self-confidence, self-determination, and personal effectiveness makes that person more powerful and greatly enhances the possibility of success.”

A commitment to growing people is not a temporary fix, a quick solution to a problem, or a short-term shot in the arm that helps them only today. Commitment to growth is a long-term investment in other people. It increases their opportunities to grow, learn, and use what they have learned to its greatest benefit. When their growth multiplies, the organization’s growth and maturity multiplies.

2. Listening

Good leaders are too often viewed as being great verbal communicators and decision makers. While these attributes are important, leaders need to expand their leadership style to include a deep commitment to listening to others. How can an effective leader understand the needs of his or her employees, customers, suppliers, or market without listening intently to them? Psychologist Dr. Joyce Brothers remarked, “Listening, not imitation, may be the sincerest form of flattery.”

What made a difference for me was when I finally grasped the concept of listening with the intent to understand. I had always listened with the intent to respond. The entire time I was listening, my mind was developing responses, recording counterpoints, cataloging quick points that I was sure the other person would find helpful when I responded. Listening with the intent to respond is not compassionate. It is not humble. It’s self-focused. Listening with the intent to understand is indeed focused on the other person.

As I work with leaders and spend time listening with the intent to understand, I’m amazed at how much they are willing to share with me when they know I fully intend not to just hear them but also to understand.

3. Awareness

Both self-awareness and general awareness direct leaders to better understand situations and people. Robert Greenleaf wrote, “Awareness is not a giver of solace—it is just the opposite. It is a disturber and an awakener. Able leaders are usually sharply aware and reasonably disturbed. They are not seekers after solace. They have their own inner serenity.”

Awareness helps leaders discern how to properly put others first.

4. Empathy

This is identifying with and understanding another’s situation, feelings, and motives. People need to know they are accepted and recognized for their special gifts and talents.

5. Healing

One of the greatest assets of a “you-first” leader is the ability to approach another person as a healer in a spirit of help and compassion.

6. Persuasion over power

Many times when a job is hard to do, poor leaders rely on sheer power rather than persuasion. The compassionate leader seeks to engage others rather than force compliance. There’s a desire to build consensus rather than use authoritarian power. Compelling stories, sometimes called parables help people see not only a different perspective but often how things can be better for them. Power trips and plays deflate people and do not allow them to think for themselves.

This list of six characteristics of a “you-first” leader is by no means exhaustive, but each quality is fundamental if you want compassion to be a key component of your leadership style.

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Absurd!Blog In-Depth Book Reviews

Absurd!: Giving Up Management Techniques

by Ron Potter February 25, 2016

I’m continuing my series on an in-depth look at a wonderful little book that’s twenty years old this year. The title is Management of the Absurd by Richard Farson. You may want to consider dropping back and reading the previous blogs about ABSURD! I think it will put each new one in great context.

Chapter 4 is titled: “Once You Find a Management Technique that Works, Give it Up”.

Farson states “The most obvious reason is that any management technique loses its power when it becomes evident that it is a technique.”

Technique is not a bad thing in and of itself. One definition states “a skillful or efficient way of doing or achieving something.” We actually spend most of our lives and certainly most of our business lives figuring out skillful and efficient ways of doing things. And, for the most part, we get paid and promoted for getting even more skillful and efficient at doing things over time. But note that it’s about doing things.

You might remember from our last blog that we need to relate to each other as Human Beings, not Human Doings. Getting skillful and efficient at doing things is evaluated differently than being skillful and efficient at “doing” human beings. Human beings require empathy, trust and patience and that will vary with each person. Farson says “It is the ability to meet each situation armed not with a battery of techniques but with openness that permits a genuine response.” Genuine response is the key. People immediately notice if you’re using a technique on them vs being genuine. People know!

Reciprocity Rule. As stated by Farson:

One of the most useful ideas to remember is what we might call the “reciprocity rule” of human behavior: that over time, people come to share, reciprocally, similar attitudes toward each other.

That is, if I have a low opinion of you, then while you may for a time hold a high opinion of me, it is unlikely that your high opinion will persist. Eventually you will come to feel about me the way I feel about you.

We believe we can acquire techniques that will hide our true feelings about people and enable us to convey an image of ourselves which they will respect, even though we do not respect them. (Sounds like politicians to me)

Ultimately, people discover who we are and come to regard us as we regard them. If we genuinely respect our colleagues and employees, those feelings will be communicated without the need for artifice or technique. And they will be reciprocated.

Sounds a lot like something referred to as the Golden Rule. Do onto others…..

Being a leader is being genuine. There’s an old line that says “The key is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.” Guess what, you can’t fake it. If you want to lead people you must be genuine. You must look on them as human beings’ worthy of respect. It’s the only thing that creates leaders that people want to follow.

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Blog Culture

High Tech, High Touch

by Ron Potter June 11, 2015

Image source: Mathew Bedworth, Creative Commons

I’ve referred to that line, “High tech, high touch,” from Alvin Tofflers book Future Shock often. Toffler defined “Future Shock” as “A personal perception of too much change in too short of time.” He also coined the term “Information overload.”

His term “high tech, high touch” lead into his discussion of one of the antidotes to dealing with future shock and information overload. His point was that as we deal more and more with this intrusion of the globally connected, instant on, information overload, we must also make sure we increase the “high touch” right along with it. This high tech world will not work without high touch, trusting, and personal relationships.

Now another influential voice from the past is adding to the chorus. Ray Ozzie is the inventor of Lotus Notes. Lotus Notes was the first successful and commercially viable email system that Ray and Mitch Kapor brought to the marketplace in the mid to late 1980’s. Ray is the grandfather of email.

One of Ray’s latest ventures is “Talko” that is described as an app that combines text messaging, phone calls, voicemails, videos, and picture messaging.

Why does Ray want to combine all of this text, sound, and pictures? The stated goal is richer communication whether the team is around the world or next door. But one statement of Ray’s really strikes me:

“one of the things I’ve learned over the years about collaboration is that one of the most important elements is empathy.” (Emphasis added.)

Now I’m not going to discount Mr. Ozzie’s ability to come up with a technical solution to empathy. And quite honestly, I hope he makes a good run at it. But my guess is that it will take years of refinements (if at all) to be able to “understand and share the feelings of another” as one definition puts it.

I agree with Ray that empathy is one of the most important elements of collaboration and team building. I just don’t believe you can develop empathy while you’re working remotely on a project regardless of the technical capabilities. Even if “remotely” means you’re in the same building but conduct all of your communication electronically. I believe you have to spend time face-to-face being human beings, not human doings. Establish trust and understanding, then you can function remotely and or electronically and collaborate well. But like any muscle, trust and empathy atrophy over time and must be renewed on a regular basis.

Build trust—then collaborate well.

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Blog Team

Essence of Empathy

by Ron Potter June 4, 2015

Image source: aotaro Creative Commons

I’ve written about and will continue to write about the elements that help create great teams. Two aspects of great teams is patience and kindness. I believe you can combine those two words to roughly reflect the meaning of the word empathy.

Geoff Colnin in his September 2014 column for Fortune Magazine exposes some research by the University of Michigan and University of Rochester Medical Center that says, “Empathy among American college students has declined significantly over the past 30 years.” The chart shows about a 13% drop since the early 90’s but indicates a much more rapid decline in the last 10 years.

Another telling factor in Colnin’s column was identifying that a significant number of online postings for jobs that paid more than $100,000 per year listed empathy or empathetic traits as job requirements.

I have been emphasizing the need for strong face-to-face relationship building for years with my corporate clients. One line from Alvin Toffler’s book Future Shock from years ago has always stuck with me. That line was, “High tech, high touch.” His point was not to assume that the increase in technology was going to diminish the need for personal relationships, the need for personal relationships was going to increase right along with the technical capabilities.

Colvin summed it up nicely with, “we have evolved exquisitely to connect in person. Consider what happens when you’re near someone and his or her face displays an emotion fleetingly, through a so-called micro-expression. Your own face mimics that expression within milliseconds, and the other person, in turn, detects your response. You have empathized without either one of you being aware of it.”

You are obviously aware of it, just maybe not consciously. But you’ve connected. It’s personal. It’s real. And it doesn’t happen through email or text or Facebook or whatever electronically. It happens personally. It happens humanly.

To build great teams we must be patient, we must be kind. We must empathize with each other. And that only happens face-to-face.

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