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Friendship

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Loss

by Ron Potter

I’ve lost both of my parents and all my aunts and uncles.  Although my father died of wounds from WWII earlier than he should have, he likely would have died by this age anyway.  He would have been 103 this year had he lived.  Thankfully, I still have all my siblings but the loss of family seemed natural to me.

Loss of High School Friend

The loss of friends, however, seems different and for me hurts just a little bit more.  I had a high school friend who I had been companions with since we had been a few months old.  Our parents were friends so we were together right from the start.  Throughout our high school years, we were almost inseparable.  We had fun together and got into trouble together.  Even the one cop in the small town we grew up in knew us and our parents.  For high school kids, that can be good and bad.

I have one memory of some new walkie-talkies that my father bought.  I took them to town and grabbed my friend as we went out “looking for trouble.”  The only thing was our one cop in town seemed to show up wherever we were and put an end to any pranks we had in mind before we could get in trouble.  We couldn’t figure out how he always knew where we were and what we were up to until we discovered that his police scanner could hear our walkie-talkies.

I couldn’t imagine being away from him until our lives diverged after high school.  I headed for college.  He went to Viet Nam.  After he returned we just didn’t seem to have much in common anymore.  That was sad to me but I figured it was part of growing up.

Cancer

But then years later he came down with cancer and came to Ann Arbor, Michigan, where I was living at the time, and he was getting treatment at the U of M Medical Center.  I’m so thankful that he and his wife (who also graduated from the same high school) reached out to me and let me know what he was going through and arranged times together when he was in town for treatments.  Our old friendship began to rekindle, and we had some wonderful times together.

A few months later my friend’s son called me and said his dad was bedridden and couldn’t speak and I should come and see him if I could.  I immediately drove the 3 hours it took to get to his home to find him in bed with no hair and extremely emaciated.  I wouldn’t have recognized him if I didn’t know who it was.  His wife and two children told me he had been bedridden and comatose for a couple of days.  I stroked his forehead, talked of some of our fun times together, and told him how much I missed him.  He squeezed my hand!

After talking with his wife and two children I headed back home.  By the time I got there, his son had called to say his father had passed soon after I left.  I saw him during the last few hours of his life and I may have been the only one whose hand he squeezed.  I just had to cry.  We had been together for 18 years, apart for a few, then back together again for about a year before he died.  Losing a good friend like that was very different than losing family to normal aging processes.

Post-College Friend

Another friend who graduated from Michigan, as I had, came to work for me a few years after I finished school.  We became very good friends.  In fact, after that first construction project together when we headed in different directions, we always kept in touch.  As it turned out, our kids were not too different in age and they have known each other since childhood.  In this blog, I couldn’t even begin to tell you all the fun we’ve had together through the years including river rafting, “up North” (Michigan) trips, and others.

I always had to laugh because he was one of the very first users of spreadsheet programs and recorded many aspects of his life and plans on them.  If he was telling me about an upcoming trip I would finally say, “Show me the spreadsheet.”  He would smile and then bring out the spreadsheet.  He even began to incorporate color as technology advanced.

Cancer (Again)

He retired a few years ago but soon after was diagnosed with cancer.  After we found out, he began to tell me all the things he wanted to do and accomplish while he still had his health.  I said, “Show me the spreadsheet.”   He smiled, then showed me the multiple-page, color spreadsheet.  It was all there, everything he wanted to accomplish. He had some ups and downs but we were able to enjoy each other’s company on a regular basis.

He died recently.  I was able to see him a few weeks ago on one of his good days but I’m having a hard time coming to grips with the loss.  The next day I was in my doctor’s office for a regular check-up and I couldn’t stop crying.  It took the doctor several minutes to diagnose grief over something physically wrong with me.

Grief

One definition is, “Grief is a strong, sometimes overwhelming emotion.”  It certainly has been strong in my life with the loss of my friend, but I don’t think it has gotten too overwhelming where my own physical or mental health is concerned.  That doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be careful and aware to make sure it doesn’t.

What is the Purpose of Loss?

I don’t know the answer to that.  I’m sure there are some intellectual answers about making you stronger or preparing you for other or deeper losses.  I just don’t feel it at the moment.  This is terribly sad to me.

God set the example when His only son, Jesus, was crucified.  God’s loss and Jesus’s sacrifice provided salvation for me.

I know that loss is supposed to make us stronger and it probably will in the long run.  But right now it’s just painful.

I raised the question with a group of friends the other day.  One of them who is a reader of my blog said he thought I was experiencing it because I would write about it in my blog and it would help many others.

All of those ideas are probably part of the answer but right now I just feel sadness.

Maybe that’s part of the answer.  Much of the world tells us we should be happy all of the time.  That’s not true!  We will and do experience sadness in life.  It’s unnatural to think we won’t or shouldn’t.

Handle your losses with dignity.

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BlogPersonal

Bananas

by Ron Potter

I’m sorry for the missed blogs the last several weeks.  In the last several years I’ve never missed a blog until my recent health issues.  I was shocked at how many blogs I had missed which speaks to the health issue I’ve been experiencing lately.

We are blessed enough to own a cabin in Northern Michigan.  There are only 16 cabins on 500 acres of property.  It’s a wonderful place to rest and recuperate.  One of our long-time friends owns a place just a few doors from us.  Unfortunately, he is suffering from cancer that he was diagnosed with almost as soon as he retired.

When we stopped the other day to see how things were going, his wife said he woke up with a desire for bananas and wanted to know if we had any.  We did have bananas and went back to our cabin to retrieve them.  When we returned she came to the car to retrieve the bananas.  I said, “It was a good thing you came to the car because if I had brought them up to their cabin, they would have all been spoiled by the time I made it to the house.”

She laughed and said that I had not lost my sense of humor.

There are two lessons to learn from that story.

  1. There is always someone in worse shape than you so don’t get hung up on how bad you have it.
  2. Never lose your sense of humor.  No matter how bad things are, humor always seems to help.

Sorry for the Delay

Again, I’m sorry for the absence of blogs over the last several weeks.  Hopefully, my health is good enough that I’ll be able to keep then going.

Let me recap the lessons from this week’s blog.

Always Someone Worse

No matter how bad you feel, there is always someone worse.  There’s a group of us that usually play golf together at least once in the spring.  Of the four of us, I have inherited liver disease, one has cancer, one has a neurological issue, and one has heart disease.  There is always someone in worse shape.

Never Lose Your Sense of Humor

Laugh at everything.  Things are always easier to handle with humor.  Never lose your sense of humor.

 

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BlogLeadership

CEO Quotes

by Ron Potter

I came across an interesting article the other day that talked about the important work of a CEO.

This particular CEO wanted to develop a particular type of platform and started the development in his living room.  Today, over 830 million people from around the world are members and use the platform regularly.

In the article, this CEO states that he could not have had success without the help of his friends.  He says that “friends will be absolutely central to your sense of happiness, connection and meaning.”

Most people would assume he experiences happiness through his success in business.  He says happiness comes from the connection of friends, regardless of financial success.  Following are four lessons he learned from his friends.

Appreciate Other Perspectives

Early in his career, one of his colleagues stated that he seem to know nothing about how women thought and acted.  He realized there was an entire perspective of the world around him that he knew nothing about.  He asked his colleague to help him out.  His reaction was, “When there’s something important you don’t know, real friends will tell you about it.”

Realizing Your Purpose

Soon after leaving college, he was grappling with the question of “What do I want to do with my life?”  Again, another friend said, “Don’t sit there feeling like you don’t know what to do.  Go do something.”

I’ve mentioned in previous blogs that many people don’t do anything because they don’t feel qualified.  Notice the quote above.  It doesn’t say go get qualified to do something, but go do something!  I had three major careers in my 40 years of business.  I didn’t feel qualified to do any of them, I just started.  If I had waited or worked at becoming qualified, it’s likely I wouldn’t have accomplished any of the three.

Saying “No” to Yes Men

Here is what the CEO is quoted saying: “We all seek validation or approval in one way or another.  While it’s good to have friends that support what you do, it’s more important to have friends that can tell you the truth, even if it may hurt.”  He also says, “Friends will tell you not what you want to hear, but that you need to hear.”

Helping Your Friends Help You

The CEO says that the most important lesson is that “Your friends help you the most by letting you help them.”

That CEO is Reid Hoffman, co-founder of LinkedIn.  I don’t know Reed and I have never worked for Linkedin, but I’m going to trust that Reed not only believes but lives these lessons.

I did consult for a multi-billion dollar firm several years back.  The CEO used much of that same language.  However, he thought of himself as a teacher.  He didn’t need to learn these things, he needed to teach others.  I watched as he would meet with people below his direct reports to impart these wisdoms.  However, with his direct reports, he acted as if he knew it all and didn’t need that “friend” described above.  His direct reports never cared for him and his tenure with that company was short-lived.

These are great quotes from Reid.  Just make sure they apply to everyone in your life.  You may have worked for three or four decades but that brand new employee is capable of asking the question that helps you.  Apply it to friends, family, and others that you encounter along the way.  You’ll learn and grow from each encounter.

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BlogFacing AdversityRegrets

Regrets—Text to Corinthians

by Ron Potter

We started off these two blog series with Paul’s text to the Corinthians.  He listed the following items:

We then looked at Daniel Pink’s book The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward. Pink identifies the four core regrets:

  • Foundation
    They begin with an irresistible lure and with incredible logic.
  • Boldness
    Thwarted possibility of growth.   The failure to become the person—happier, braver, more evolved, than we could have been.
  • Moral
    Deceit, infidelity, theft, betrayal, sacrilege.
  • Connection
    Meaningful relationships.

Together, they make some interesting connections.  In Paul’s letter, we experience great difficulties and painful points in our lives.  But in the end, they don’t break us.  We are not crushed, driven to despair, forsaken, or destroyed.

In Pink’s book, the four regrets of foundational, boldness, morals, and connection are capable of breaking us and in all cases are self-inflicted.  In Paul’s writing, the pain and suffering are no more or less than those identified by Pink.  However, in Paul’s letter, there is a sense that these things happen in everyday life.  While we should examine our own behavior and beliefs to determine if we are contributing to the affliction, perplexion, persecution, and personal destruction put forth by Paul—in the end, it may have nothing to do with our own behavior.  Daniel Pink says that it essentially has everything to do with our personal behavior.

Regrets: Self-Inflicted

If you look at each of Pink’s regrets, there is a self-infliction:

    • Foundational:  It starts with an irresistible lure.  This may be food, sex (also mentioned in the moral section), or materialistic desires.  I’ve mentioned that my irresistible lures are new cars (I’ve had a new one every three years over the past 50 years).  And watches.  The self-inflicted part happens when we let our logic run ramrod over knowing that certain things are just wrong.  I have an incredibility logical mind.  I can convince myself that almost anything can be explained through logic.  And I’m good at it.  My self-infliction is in allowing my logical brain to convince myself that my logic overrules irresistible lures.  I’m just too “smart” to be dictated by my feelings.
    • In the boldness category, Pink makes the point that we’re just not bold enough to try new things.  I’ve had three major careers since graduating from engineering school.  The first was walking steel 160′ in the air.  The second was developing a software company at the beginning of the microcomputer age.  The third was TLC (Team Leadership Culture) consulting all over the world.  A lot of people would say to me, “I couldn’t do that, I was never qualified.  How were you able to accomplish three different careers and work all over the world?”  It’s because I was bold and willing to try new and different things.  I never felt qualified either.  It just seemed like the new and bold thing to do at the time.  Our lack of boldness is self-inflicted when we feel that we must be qualified first.  If you’re bold in trying new things, you’re never qualified.
    • Moral.  In this one, I focused on sacrilege.  It doesn’t have to be a religious issue.  Sacrilege means “violation or misuse of what is regarded as sacred.”  What do you consider as sacred?  Violating it will cause suffering.
    • Connection.  I have at least three groups of good friends.  Two of the groups are (or were) centered in Ann Arbor where we lived for 35 years.  One group is built around our GPS4Leaders App.  We’ve gone through good times and bad but have stuck together for several years.  The second ground of guys have given ourselves the name “Space Cadets.”  This is a group from several professions and we spend our time discussing clients and how to add the best of who we are to help them grow and become better.  I feel very close to this group.  We also moved to Grand Rapids, MI, a few years ago to be close to one daughter and our two grandchildren (our other daughter and grandkids live around the world and are currently in Tunisia).  We are now a part of a Grand Rapids church and have developed several friends there.  We’re very blessed with all of these connections.

Pain: Everyday and Self-Inflicted

Paul talks about the difficulties that we face in this world.  If we have examined ourselves and feel we’re seeing everything clearly, these are difficulties that we face just because we live here.

Pink, on the other hand, talks about regrets being self-inflicted.  We can avoid that by examing ourselves and our motives.  It often takes that close friend who we trust who is not afraid to point out our flaws and shortcomings.  But we must have someone that we’re that close to and who is willing to tell us what they are seeing in our behavior.  Avoid self-inflicted pain—the world is full of enough pains for us without the ones we cause ourselves.

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BlogCultureFacing Adversity

Facing Adversity

by Ron Potter

How do we face adversity? This is a difficult one for me to write.  Mainly because I’ve been in my own set of adversities.  Over the last several weeks I have been back in the hospital and had further operations as I deal with my inherited liver disease.  But, I’m not the only one.  I’ve seen several of my friends deal with

  • Cancer that requires infusions several times a month for the rest of his life.
  • Irritable bowel syndrome—that can put another friend in the hospital at any moment.
  • Parkinson’s disease.
  • Loss of a long-time spouse.

Adversity can touch any of us at any time. So how do we deal with it?

Glass Half Full

As my friends and I were talking the other day it became obvious that each of us was more concerned about the others.  This seemed to be the true definition of friendship.  While each of us was dealing with our own issue we seemed to be more concerned about others’ issues.  Each of us was in a good mood—laughing, joking, and lifting each other up.  It was that humor and lifting each other up that helped each of us work through our individual issues.  A glass half full adds a lot to everyone’s life.

We’re Not the Only One

That conversation also reminded me that I wasn’t alone. Over the next few weeks, I’m going to focus on the conflicts from an ancient document.  This seems to indicate that each of us deals with these conflicts.  There is no escaping from the conflicts that we face in life.  They have been around forever.  If we think we shouldn’t deal with these conflicts, we’re just kidding ourselves.  Every human being has dealt with them throughout history.

Be Prepared

If we list them and name them and understand them at least we have a better chance of dealing with our own conflicts and helping others deal with their conflicts.  Let’s list them.  Let’s be prepared for them.  Let’s not assume that we shouldn’t face them.  We all will.  How we deal with them will make all the difference for ourselves and others.

Read the next post in the series.
Facing Adversity
Afflicted in Every Way
Perplexed
Persecuted
Struck Down
Ancient Text
Regrets—Text to Corinthians
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